On Not Dreading

There was always something to dread at school. Always. Often multiple things at a time, a metaphorical hydra, that three-headed beast that would sprout a new problem as soon as one was solved, or hacked to pieces. In retrospect, and it is only through retrospect, I can appreciate how small the dreaded events or deadlines were. Sure, they may have built up to a larger cause as a whole, but I can confidently say I spent far too much time preoccupied with those looming commitments. Dread, for me, is a by-product of being forced into a situation, often with some allotted time, that requires, without any cop-outs, a certain level of effort to be expended. This took shape as, among other forms, work projects I didn’t want to do, the most absurd cases of dread I concocted, because there was always an immediate solution in those regards. Another example would be packing up my room, something I had to do around a dozen times at boarding school, and something I find myself in the middle of doing for my university dorm now. The deadline loomed, the dread found its footing, and it still never occurred to me to start packing until, at the very earliest, a week before I was set to leave.

In the times when I’ve tried to build positive daily habits for myself, dread would play a critical and portentous role. An objectively good thing, like going to the gym or writing a daily blog, perhaps, became the insurmountable task I had to face every day. Even though I think quite highly of myself at times (too highly), there were no limits to the self-deprecation I would subject myself to, the put-downs that might make me feel bad, sure, but would also serve as conduits to my giving up on the habit. Consistency is something that really works for me, and so I’ve always tried to withstand it to the point where it remains a challenge, but where that dread is gone. Equally, I’m finding it an important step not to let the small missteps or failures mean the death of a project or commitment. That consistency I love, while at times helpful, can be quite dangerous in causing me to value it to the detriment of actually being able to form good, regularly achievable habits.

That dread, now that I am no longer at school or university, is a staple in my life no more. There are, of course, the odd jobs or tasks that I don’t look forward to, but I’ve been more able recently to appreciate this dread-free existence for a few reasons. It helps to remember that it can be good to dread things sometimes, as it can serve as an indicator that something is an important task. It could just as well be a signifier of things or commitments that aren’t for me, and in both regards, I have been trying to learn how to discern the two early on. I am going to inevitably meet dread repeatedly in my life, and so learning how to manage it, to take advantage of the response it provokes in me, could prove a valuable tool in my journey to (ugh) self-growth.