On Hypothetical Details
The next almost two months of my life will be very interesting for me. It will be my first time working on a project on a larger scale, and I’m nervously excited about my commitment to it and about it all. I’ll be in India, a familiar environment, and will try to focus all my efforts on building a secure and healthy foundation of habits and routines I can stick to so that I make the most of my time there. Something I only began to think about when writing yesterday’s piece, however, was that this will be a chance for me to shine productively, but not socially. My entire network there consists of friends who have gone to study abroad and family with whom I get along, but who are crucially nowhere near my age.
These past six months have proved difficult in arranging or even expecting opportunities to be social. Besides a handful of times I met friends at the start of the year, the only significant event was the month-long travel I did with two close friends of mine very recently. I had a lot of fun on that trip, and learned a lot about myself, how I behave, and things I need. Its importance in helping me figure several things out cannot be overstated. The same can be said for my recent weekend spent with friends in London. But now when I think about the travel and my friends, the first thing that comes to mind is how sporadic and unreliable experiences like that are, at least for me.
I can’t count on these opportunities to fall into my lap, which is especially frustrating considering how valuable (and enjoyable) I find them. The good news is, I have something to look forward to in that respect. This fall, as I mentioned in yesterday’s piece, I will be faced with an incredible opportunity to discover more about myself intellectually and socially, in New York. I cannot wait for the chance to meet new people, which is extremely unlike me. That notwithstanding, there has been one pervasive thought in my mind. I would absolutely love to make new friends. But I only have a few already, and I have absolutely no idea how they came to be my friends.
Sure, I remember every little embarrassing detail from boarding school, but the steps leading up to my closest friends becoming my closest friends were unhelpfully purged from my mental hard drive. And so, I’m excited to get to New York, but equally terrified, because I have no idea what to do. But I don’t have to. Talking with my therapist recently, we discussed how useless and even damaging it is to try and figure out the details of what it will be like so I can try to prepare, those stupid, hypothetical details. The best, and possibly only course of action is to get there first; assess the situation, figure out my goals, and act. I find it interesting how keen my subconscious is to keep me not only on my toes but actively stressing about things that, simply, can be helped.