On Taking Steps Away From Rules
I like rules. More specifically, I like to know rules, so I can stick by them. I’m not one for challenging any authority figure; the discomfort of putting myself on the spot like that, and brazenly starting a confrontation, is one I am rarely willing to bear. There are, unfortunately, plenty of situations in which cut-and-dry rules don’t exist. Context can always mess things up, forcing one to take stock of so many variables as to cause a separate yet entirely equal discomfort. Not to mention my penchant for favouring simplicity, which holds at ransom keys to more in-depth and nuanced situations.
In case it has not come across or been conveyed clearly in this blog, I am not very sociable, and those situations of which I speak are social situations. I’ve never been conversationally adept, and it is for a lack of trying, sometimes. But there is a reason, the one I have begun to reference: rules. If there was a series of generally understood principles that could be followed in conversation and socially – I would be golden. It’s not only that there are no precious rules to be observed, but that achieving any success (in this case, defined as being outgoing and gregarious) comes at the cost of pushing oneself out of their comfort zone.
It becomes, therefore, impossible to get anywhere with my particular tack. The one commodity that serves as a stepping-stone forward – discomfort – is the last thing I want to consciously inflict upon myself. Passivity, in my little experience, doesn’t go rewarded – only actions beget results. But, as I’ve laid out – which actions specifically is a much harder answer to land upon. This whole system of thinking, undoubtedly full of holes and fallacies, has been my primary strategy of choice for several years now – unwittingly, of course. It was a difficult mentality under which to operate while at school. It is, as a result then, that I should thank my lucky stars I went to a boarding school.
The beauty – and problem, some may argue – of a boarding school is that one finds themselves surrounded by their peers for weeks and months at a time. It almost took real effort on my part, then, to leave making close friends until the final few years of the five I spent there. There are, though, plenty of ways for people like me to stumble into finding friends with our inactive strategy, and that usually came about one of two ways. Either long stretches of time took their hold and the mere-exposure effort solidified, or we are saved by the grace of those more socially capable than are we.
I’ve relied too much of late on the latter, which is a bad thing for many reasons, chief of which being that it can leave long periods of time feeling far more lonely than they might have otherwise. And so, to circle back to the topic at hand, I am starting to make an effort – experimenting with that discomfort I so detest. It is, of course, worth it, which has been my primary motivator in this endeavour. The boons far outweigh even the mere possibility of failure.
In case it wasn’t clear, yes, I did come up with a title, write an opening sentence, and attempted to bring it full-circle in the final paragraph. Sorry about the break in uploads, I’ve just begun a trip with friends, and so I suddenly find myself spending far less time in front of a laptop screen, which I am choosing to see as a good thing. I will aim to post every day, but won’t make any promises. As important as this blog is to me, the travel exceeds that, and I must trust myself to be able to return to this whenever the time comes.