On Shooting Myself in the Foot
There are two sides to the (admittedly small) problem I am going to allude to in this blog entry, and both are unfortunately pretty good examples of the title. But first, yes, I’m back. Not for any regular basis – I’m disappointed if not realistic enough to tell you that I cannot be relied upon to produce these with any level of consistency, and while I do want to change that fact, sporadic entries choc-full of sentences that run on for way too long – like this one – will have to do. Before I move on to the actual point of this piece, a small update on how I am doing: I’m unpacked. I’ve made reference in previous entries to my familiarity with yet dislike of having to live out of a suitcase for long periods of time, but for at least the next couple of months, those suitcases are stored away and I am unpacked.
Being unpacked denotes a degree of comfort for me, the silencing of a nagging voice in my mind that tends to pull at my mind when the opposite is the case. That said, though, it is not in and of itself an assurance of peace of mind, nor an exemption from overthinking or stress, but it does quiet that bottom layer of worry for me, which is why it is a state of being I imagine I will be seeking out in some form or another for the next significant part of my life. On the subject of that overthinking, it is still very much present and prevalent in my contradiction of a mind – when not numbed and kept placidly entertained whenever I enter one of my frequent media binges.
An issue is, then, that as I have slowly wrestled some control over my day-to-day life and habits, I’ve had more and more time to consider problems down the road. Usually, my considerations of the future are borne primarily out of necessity, such as there being a shortage of plans or certainty surrounding a period of time yet to come that has, for some reason or another, become suddenly pertinent and deserving of my immediate stress and distracted attention. In my current state, I find myself devoting mental bandwidth to dilemmas I don’t strictly have to face yet, or ones that might not come to pass at all.
The shooting myself in the foot part comes into play here. I can’t help but feel like there’s no great solution to this as a mode of operating for me. By ignoring (or trying to) these issues, I’d be stalling the decision-making process, losing valuable time for consideration that I might wish I had when facing them is no longer optional. On the other bullet-ridden appendage, though, by confronting these hypotheticals I am condemning myself to a very certain period of stress and uncomfortable and likely indecision. So, go through the stress of potential issues now, or let poor, future me have to deal with the guaranteed and time-bound ones. I’m already tired of thinking about this. I’m gonna get some lunch, and hope I forget about it. By choice or resignation or inadvertent decision-making, I don’t see peace of mind and my own mind becoming too well-acquainted.